Two cease to be a husband and wife, but forever remain parents of common children. What can they do so that the changes are less painful? Recommendations of child and family psychologist Irina Moroz.
Divorce – parting not only with people, but also with dreams of the desired future for adults and with the usual world order for children. This, of course, is a crisis. “But following the idea that divorce will certainly injure children, many couples continue to live in marriage, complete conflicts, alienation or neglect,” says psychologist Irina Moroz. Divorce seems to be a great evil than raising children in an unsafe atmosphere.
“Trauma is not always one terrible event that violates the rest of his life,” the psychologist clarifies, “sometimes a constant deficit of something important leads to injury: emotional inclusion, responsiveness of an adult”. On the other hand, is there always one big event – divorce – injures? What can we do so that the divorce becomes only part of his story for the child, in which the parents remain caring, stable adults, and for themselves they chose the continuation of life that meets their values? This is what Irina Frost suggests.
Announce the news together. And to all children at the same time, so that none of them feel like a guardian of secrets, is isolated from brothers and sisters.
Choose the moment. Do not talk with the children right before bedtime, on the eve of the test, on the threshold before leaving. Do not leave the child for the whole day alone with this news. Choose a calm atmosphere, avoiding crowded places. Take enough time for everyone to express emotions (confusion, fear, pain, resentment, bewilderment. ), ask questions. But do not enter into polemic with your children, whether adults made the right decision: it is not useful for the child to think that the relationship of parents depends on his opinion.
Say that they are not to blame for divorce. It often seems to children that parents get divorced due to the fact that they studied poorly, did not obey, were “not like that”. Repeat that they are not to blame and did nothing that could lead to a divorce, and also cannot do anything to be the parents to stay together.
Check your condition. If you do not feel the strength to tell children about divorce without malice in their voice or sobs, first take care of yourself. Not to load children with their experiences is an important task not only during a divorce. But do not portray that everything is in perfect order: children should hear what you are sorry, but the divorce is the best of possible solutions. Do not reveal the personal reasons for the divorce (“Dad has a lover!”). Children should not witness the
life of the parent couple.
Explain the position of the children as soon as possible. Tell them where they will live when they see their father, with their mother. Children need to have landmarks of a future life.